How to Hire Employees Who Look Like the Stock Photos in Your Brochures

by Frank Roche on April 2, 2012

in Creativity, Humor

Face it, you want to hire pretty faces. You aspire to have a set of employees who look just like the stock photos you use in your brochures. And who’s to say that’s wrong? Perhaps your hiring is all wrong: Don’t go with people with potential. You want employees who make Abercrombie & Fitch and Victoria’s Secret models look like mutts.

Here’s how to do it: Get rid of your employees who look like they were hit with an ugly stick. You get a corporate beautification/wellness two-fer. Pretty people are healthier…and they look better when you have visitors.

All you have to do is have 360-degree feedback that asks, “On a scale of 1 to 10, how beautiful is this person?” Then dump anyone who doesn’t get at least a 9. Remember: Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly’s to the bone.

Here’s how to hire employees who look just like the stock photos in your brochures.

  1. For every silver-haired man you hire, you must hire a sycophantic 32-year-old woman who will point at papers on his desk during photo shoots.
  2. Make candidates flash their chompers. When they do, whip out a teeth whitening shade guide. Not “Bright white”? Say g’night.
  3. Insert this job descriptor just above your EOE notice: Smokin’ hot or equivalent.
  4. Have each new job applicant model a set of standard-sized clothing. Doesn’t fit? You must omit.
  5. Have a photographer at the interview. If they don’t look good on film, they won’t look good in your cubicles.

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