How Not to Be a Fat Bastard

by Frank Roche on April 1, 2011

in Wellness

777 calories. That’s how many I ran off this morning.

I’ve been running on the Couch to 10K program for 11 weeks. And I’ve crossed trained on alternate days, which means I’m at the gym six days a week.

Know how much weight I’ve lost? None.

Go ahead. Laugh.

What’s a fat bastard supposed to do?

Wellness ain’t easy, folks. Sure, weight loss is a simple formula: Fewer calories in than going out. 3,500 calories per pound. Run a deficit of 1,000 calories a day and you lose 2 pounds a week. Presto. Um…not quite.

I have some thoughts, though, about How Not to Be a Fat Bastard:

  1. Don’t get fat in the first place. The easiest one of all, and not realistic for two-thirds of Americans. Americans are fat.
  2. Stop eating high fructose corn syrup. That crap’s in everything. It makes you fat. Fatter than sugar.
  3. Exercise at least 30 minutes daily. But recognize that no matter how much you run your ass off, you can undo it with a feeding frenzy. One M&M is 10 calories. Just one extra M&M a day means one extra pound a year. A serving size of M&Ms is 1,046 calories. One serving.
  4. Don’t go on a diet. Sure, dieting works in the short run. But 83% of people gain back more weight after they go an a diet. You gotta change your lifestyle.
  5. Go for a walk. You can stave off the inevitable weight gain that comes with age — and a single extra M&M a day — by walking. Studies show that you can lose 1-to-3% of body weight by walking a little over 20 minutes a day.

So, that’s it. I can read the studies. But it’s not easy. And for those who think wellness programs are simple — JUST EXERCISE MORE! — I say, phooey! It takes a lot more than knocking out a few miles. It’s a lifestyle change. And until companies reduce stress and give people time, all the exhortations in the world won’t make people lose weight.

You can take that as words of wisdom from a Fat Bastard who’s working on it.

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