4 Tactics for the Tardy

by Frank Roche on March 10, 2011

in Humor, Interviewing, Recruiting

There’s a way you can guarantee another year of unemployment. Arrive late to your interviews. Employers won’t hesitate to use your resume as scrap paper if you show up behind schedule.  But alarms are missed, traffic happens, and sometimes you’ve just got to catch the last few minutes of that Full House rerun. This is a guide for the snooze hitters.

4 Tactics for the Tardy (and the guide to getting it done):

1)   The Made-up Mugger
Execution: Getting mugged isn’t anyone’s favorite activity.  But—it will undoubtedly buy you some time. Unfortunately, getting jumped on command is unlikely.  You’re on your own this time.  So take a deep breath, bid adieu to your pride and punch yourself in the face like you mean it.  You may need to repeat this step for authenticity.  Rip a tear in your shirt, roll in some mud, and limp into that office.  Trust me, they’ll want to know all about it.  You just mugged yourself.

2)   The Counterfeit Cab Ride
If you’re running a few minutes late, don’t just call the employer. Give them a mobile shout out.  Say, “I’m sorry for being late but I’m in the cash cab.”  Then, come up with a trivia question easy enough for them to answer.  The employer will feel like a stud, your lateness will be excused, and you’ll have a great story to tell upon arrival.  Hit an ATM and take out $400 for authenticity.

3)   The Fender Bender Pretender
You just couldn’t resist that Dunkin Donuts drive-through.  But—the line was long, the cash register jammed and now you’re tailgating a school bus.  Don’t worry; your detour doesn’t need to be your doom.  Drive into the nearest lamppost! You may need to repeat this step for authenticity. Locate your potential employer’s window and park your car in plain sight.  They’ll admire your ability to remain calm under pressure. No need to mourn your obliterated vehicle—you’ll be driving the company car soon enough.

4)   The Lost Puppy
20-25 minutes late?  You’ve got to rely on the sympathy vote.  Take another 10 minutes to print out some pictures of a dog (your dog! your friend’s dog! Any dog—really!  Grab your handy bottle of eye drops and create some fake tears for authenticity.  Tell the employer your dog ran out of the house as you were leaving for your interview.  During your interview make sure to drop that you have few friends, eat dinner alone, and were severely overweight until you started going on walks with your dog.  Before leaving—ask them to hang one of the printed flyers on their door.  It’s a doggy dog world out there.

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